[00:00:00] how do you see the person in the mirror? And when you look in the mirror, do you see yourself through a lens of love? Kindness, compassion, understanding
In a world where self-help books, presentations, and podcasts teach us about great leadership. Darci Lang fiercely believes it is a matter of focus. Darci has been a professional speaker and trainer for over 30 years and has written four books on her philosophy. She is a recipient of the Saskatchewan woman, entrepreneur of the year award. And a member of the prestigious Canadian speaking hall of fame. Darci is proud to live in Regina, Saskatchewan with her husband, Darren. She is mom to adult children, Jayda and John and rescue pets, Holly and a Lilly.
You are in for a treat today? My friends, I have had the pleasure of hearing Darci speak, not once, but two times. And both times I think would impress me the most was her ability to connect with everybody in the [00:01:00] audience.
When I read Darci's book lead the 90% I knew I had to have her on the show to talk about this very topic, how we lead with kindness. And I think in today's world, especially we are looking for kindness in our leaders. You are in for an incredible episode with Darci Lang.
You're listening to Success in Mind, the show for high performing leaders, changemakers, and entrepreneurs ready to take your life and business to the next level. If you're ready for whole life success, keep listening.
So I want to start with what is the 90%?
Oh, such a great question. My, my 90 percent is a belief that I have that we all hold this big magnifying glass out in front of us in our lives. And we have a choice what we focus it on. What I call the 90%, which is my percentage of what is good, what we can control.
What, what we like [00:02:00] in our life as opposed to the 10%, which for the majority of the time are things we have absolutely no control over. So that is what the 90 percent is in my world.
I love it. And I have, I have my magnifying glass and your talk right here. Actually I have two of them because I've been lucky to hear you speak twice.
So there we go. Thank you for keeping that. I love them. They're a great reminder. They sit on my desk every day. Oh, I'm so grateful. So, how did you come up with this concept of the 90%?
Well, it came from crisis, as I'm sure most motivational speakers come from crisis. So I was, I'm 55 now and I was 24 then, and I was having what I called my quarter life crisis and I was in this really terrible place in my life, mentally, physically, spiritually.
And I went to the library and got these, this stack of motivational books, just, it's all I could afford at the time and I thought I will get yielding from these books. And the [00:03:00] top book gave me this idea, and it was just a small little handbook called Attitude is Your Most Priceless Possession. And it gave me this concept that you do have this magnifying glass out in front of you and you have the choice on where you set your gaze.
And I, for some reason, that changed my life, and I thought all I had ever done is focused on the 10. And at that moment on that couch, I can see me. I love her so much, 24 year old me there, and I love her so much, and she took that courageous choice to say, tomorrow morning I'm going to wake up and try it.
Wow. And here I am. Yeah.
Yeah, that's incredible. And I think, you know, a lot of people listening, and I know myself included, we've had those moments where things are going horribly wrong. And you just need that one bit of inspiration and it can change your entire perspective on everything.
Agreed. That's why kindness is so important to me, and to offer kindness, you know, to people who are working in the store, or [00:04:00] to the people around you, or even when your friend pops into your mind and you think, I should just tell her what a great mom she is.
Because you just never know those moments that could, as you suggested, change someone's life. Speaking of
kindness, of what would you say is the connection between kindness and leadership? And why do we need kind leaders? Well,
I've been blessed to be a motivational speaker for 31 years. Amazing. So from that, yeah, from that 24 years old, my bank manager asked me to speak sharing this message and how blessed am I, here I am, 31 years later.
So I had this real advantage, Teri, of sitting at the back, invited every week for spring and fall for the last 31 years by a different leader of a different organization. And I kept track, I started to pay, because I was so young when I started and I'd been a leader for most of my career already at 24, I started to pay attention to the leader.
So I actually had a notebook back in my, in my briefcase [00:05:00] back in the day. And when someone introduced me or someone hired me, I started to keep track of, they are amazing. What are they doing that's amazing? And then when someone hired me that wasn't so amazing, I would think, what are they doing that differentiates them?
So formally and informally, I've sat at the back of the room keeping track of, wow, they were awesome. And the common thread, Teri, was they were kind. Wow. And why it's so important to me and the Connectionment Tweet, Great Leadership, is as I say right on the cover of my book, if you don't think being a kind leader is important, then you've never worked for somebody unkind.
It's the worst. And the ripple of that affects families, affects communities. It's huge.
Absolutely. And I have, I have your book right here. Lead the 90%. I'll annotate it. Really? That's a fun book. Yeah. I love it. I love to keep track of everything. Makes it easy to go back, right? And read those insights that inspired you.
So when you were [00:06:00] watching these leaders and you're observing them, what were some of the What were some of the characteristics that stood out to you that said this is a kind leader? What were some of those differentiating factors for you?
For me, I paid attention from the minute they hired me, you know, the energy of their email, whether they called me back.
So it was almost an intentionality. It was an intention that they treated me, they wanted me to have a positive experience with them because they, I was a customer and though they were hiring me and I was a speaker, they wanted the impression of their company to be as positive on me as it would anyone else in their company.
So I, that was huge. Just that initial. Then when I got to the event, they treated me kindly. You know, they welcomed me. They were worried if I was okay. They checked in with me the evening before. So there's that, I find that intentionality really set the tone for the kindness that I felt, [00:07:00] which you might think, how important is that, that someone you hire in your organization is treating kindly?
Who cares? It matters so much because then when my friends say, how was your event last week? I mean, I'm loving, I try to talk kindly, but you've left an impression on me and that ripples out to so many people.
I had this interesting experience yesterday and it was perfect timing before this interview. Or is that a celebration of life for my husband's uncle?
And he's a world renowned sports medicine doctor. There was probably a thousand people packed into this ballroom for him. But the common thread that everyone talked about was how he built everyone up around him. That he put teamwork first. He put. Uh, he was more interested in your dreams, your achievements, and how to help you get to where you want to go, not making himself look good.
And that was every single person who spoke talked about that. And I thought, Oh, this is, [00:08:00] first of all, what an amazing man. But then I thought, this is so perfect because I'm talking to Darci tomorrow about these leadership traits. And I felt like yesterday I got a masterclass in it and it was how people spoke about him.
And that's what an incredible legacy to leave, right? As leaders. That's it. I think what we should be striving for.
My condolences, firstly. And isn't he an example of how we should live our life? Yes. Wow. And at the beginning of my book, as you know from reading it, that's my challenge to leaders is imagine themselves at their, not at their funeral, but that would be another layer to it.
But imagine themselves at their retirement function. So however many years from now that is. What legacy have we left? What would the people at your retirement function come up and say about you? How proud would you be of the kind leader that you were? Because if you give me poor service, Teri, you give me low morale, [00:09:00] I immediately want to know how is the leader?
What's happening there? Because it's really difficult to create morale and great service with people who are depleted and unhappy and unkind. So wow, what a, what a legacy. Thank you. Yeah. And that legacy of last, that lasts for generations to be such an
incredible human. Absolutely. Yeah, I agree. My husband and I both left thinking we're like, that is, that is how to live life.
Like that is, that's who we want to be when we grow up. We want to be just like him.
Isn't that the point of life? Yeah. That's the point, because there'll be other people in careers where that will get to their, that gets in their head, and then their ego gets so big that they forget what is the mission, purpose, intention for why you do what you do.
From what loving place Can you come to that? Come to what you do. That's my hope and intention. Is
this something that we can learn? So if someone's, [00:10:00] say, listening to this, and they're recognizing that maybe they're not leading with kindness, and this is an area to work on, can we develop this as a skill? I think being
kind has to be a choice.
I think that you have to decide the payoff of doing that, because it's just like, it's An addiction, or it's just like getting over something negative in your life. You have to want to do that, and it's hard work being positive. It is hard work. It's way easier to be, to be negative. For sure. Life is really hard.
People deal with all kinds of challenges, addictions, and mental and physical health challenges, and marriage, and raising children, and elder care, all that is life. I hear you. Purpose of life is to get through what I call those 10 percent times, so you can get to the other side of your beautiful life and lead from that place.
But we're going to have to look deep within and decide, [00:11:00] is the payoff greater if I stay in this unhappy place, in my wounded trauma, unhappy place? I don't think so, because then you bring that 10 percent person to your role as a leader, and the ripple effect of that, again, is very huge. So, why would you want to, like, why would you want to be a kind person?
What's the point? Because some will say, well, it makes you soft and weak. I think, I don't know, but the leaders, not only did I meet all these beautiful leaders week after week after week of my career, I also interviewed the top 20 that I've met in my life that I thought did the most profound job of being kind.
And there is not one of them that is not ruthlessly efficient, that does not have an extremely successful company. Based on kindness and, and Teri, I have to say, I've built my entire career as my husband in 31 years, my entire career based on kindness. Wow. But it was a choice because I [00:12:00] knew the ripple effect.
If I don't do it and I don't, I'm not kind to me first, which is really hard for some people to do because their belief systems, they didn't grow up with people who taught them that. They taught them, you know, Pollyanna, pie in the sky, you're so happy I could slap you messages. But the belief system that if I was kind to myself, the ripple of that is I'm naturally kinder.
And the days that I'm not, the days that I'm impatient because 10 percent of the time I'm bored, the days that I'm impatient or I sound barky or I sound insincere or not loving are the days I can look back in the mirror and say, you're not being kind to yourself. And then the ripple goes from how I treat my team to the customer service we provide And then it determines whether or not I have something left for the people that I love, Teri.
And that to me is as important, if not more.
Oh, absolutely. Is there a difference [00:13:00] between kindness and niceness? Because I think sometimes we can get those confused. That's such
a great question. I have a quote in my book from this incredible woman I met, who was working behind the counter in this small little restaurant, because I travel every week.
And she had a poster behind her that said, my mom always said, you can fake nice, but you can't fake kind. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's a good one. And some of the greatest people I meet on the road are the people that you wouldn't define as successful in society's views, who've taught me so much. So that's, I think, the difference, is you can fake it, but can you really genuinely, soulfully, intentionally show up kind?
So, yeah, I think there is a big difference.
Yeah. And I, and I love how you put that and how you explain that difference because it's, I, and I think we know when we're being treated in a way that's kind versus nice. Like there's a, [00:14:00] there's an ickiness to niceness.
That's such a great word. Agreed. I have a customer service presentation call for Get Friendly, Get Genuine.
Great. Because I think friendly can come across as fake. And we've all been served by somebody in a store who's going through the motions, who is really exuberant, but they're just not genuine. I honestly think we'd serve as leaders and customer service suppliers, we'd serve ourself better if we just grounded down first, especially in a world that is really hurting, in a world that can feel very broken.
I'm not sure that coming in raw, raw. It's what the world needs right now. I think an intentional, kind leader, an intentional, kind person as you walk into a store is such a breath of fresh air right now. Absolutely. But you got to work on the person in the mirror to get there.
Yeah. How do we begin to do that?
How do we [00:15:00]
Oh, that's a whole podcast, but I really, the absolute baseline beginning is to challenge yourself to say, how do you see the person in the mirror? And when you look in the mirror, do you see yourself through a lens of love? Kindness, compassion, understanding. Have you done the deep dive work to be able to do that despite the belief systems that self care and self love is loathing and narcissistic and unkind?
And if you do see yourself through a 10 percent lens, that's the perfect place to start. That's perfect. If you have self loathing, if you have self hatred, if you have negative self talk and traumas and unhealed wounds and all the things we sweep under the carpet, that's where you start. Because I, in my optimistic view of the world, I'm not sure.
You can see the world through a 90 percent lens if you see yourself through a 10 percent one. Again. I think you can fake [00:16:00] it, but you won't come across as a grounded, kind, intentional human. That's my, that's
where I would start. And then how about when you find yourself in those 10 percent moments or you're having, you know, you're going through something, how do you get through that?
How do you get yourself back to looking at that 90 percent and focusing on what you want?
I live a very real life here. I, you know, again, my husband and I have been together for over 30 years. We have adult children, pets. I travel every week. My husband's a speaker too. We live a very, very real life with lots of complexities with mental health and such.
So I have ample opportunity to practice what I preach. And of course I have 10 percent days. So I have two things that I do. I allow them. Number one, because the shoving it down with booze and food and shopping and gambling and Facebook and all the things we do to [00:17:00] numb, which I've done in my past. I've definitely done that.
I allow myself to feel what I feel. I don't have any shame or, or any guilt for feeling a bad day. I am entitled to have these feelings. I honor how I feel. And I like talking, no surprise about how I feel. So I have a very strict, professionally and personally, a very strict three times complain rule. If I don't talk about how I feel, Teri, it eats me inside.
So I have such a wonderful marriage, and my husband and I will deconstruct, I have two, you know, the girlfriends that are the key to unpack everything with, but I won't wallow in it, no matter how terrible it is or how everyday it is. So I allow myself the three times, complain, and then I have what I call a lay that sucker out meeting.
And I lay out what I'm complaining about, and I look at the only woman who can control anything in my life, the one who stares back at me in the mirror, and I say, what do you need? Okay, so you're feeling like this, overwhelmed, you're feeling [00:18:00] tired, you're feeling whatever. What do you need, Darci, in order to feel better?
And then I honor that, whatever that is. It's an hour long sunny walk with my dog that I don't have time to do. It's going for a drive and grabbing a tea and drive, whatever it is, I honor it. And then I immediately start doing what I practice, what I preach. I know what isn't good right now, but what is, and I start looking around.
I have a home. I live in Canada. I have a wonderful marriage. I can support my children. You know, money to have pets, a garbage can, the list goes on and on. As soon as I start looking and looking for Omica, but what is good, my body settles into because it, it feels safe again. Right. When you're always focused on what isn't good and the fears and all that go with it, you don't feel safe, but I feel safe, which is something I had to work on from some unsafe bits as a child.
I've had to work on feeling safe. And then Teri, you arrive [00:19:00] at work as a leader in that grounded, safe place. Because your team and your team members are going through the same things, and if you are not coming to work safe and grounded, you're creating uncertainty and unsafety for them when they already have that in their life.
Right.
Yeah. And I love that. And I love the three complain rule. That was one of my takeaways from hearing you speak, and I've adopted it, and I love it. I think it's such a simple practice that keeps us from getting stuck in those, those 10 percent moments. And. Then it becomes like a hundred percent. Right?
So it's so good. So good. Thank you. Now I've also, I heard you speak on this and I also read it in your book about how you receive evaluations as a speaker. And I have to tell you that as a fledgling speaker myself, when I heard you talk about how you don't You don't give out evaluation forms anymore.
You just don't [00:20:00] do it, was one of the most freeing moments for me because I hate those evaluation forms. I thought, well, if Darci doesn't do it, I'm not doing it either because it's, uh, it's, it's not good feedback, right? Like it's not, it's often really negative. And how did you get to that place where you just knew that I don't, I don't need this kind of feedback.
I don't want this.
Thank you for doing that. Because. Again, the 10%, the 10 percent entitled to give their opinions and all that, you know, that's great. We all are entitled to our opinion in this divisive world that we're living in. But if it's not wrapped in kindness, what's your point? What's your point?
And it's part of my mission to not let the 10% s of the world win. It is really part of my mission. I will stand in an airport and go up to somebody who's just been yelled at in a, in a store in the airport and say, please don't listen to this tired traveler. You're amazing. They're just exhausted. And I see the impact that negative 10 percent [00:21:00] people have.
So, back to the beginning of this conversation. If you are not well, rested, nourished, mentally, physically, spiritually, whatever your thing is, if you're looking after the human being in the mirror, you're going in the world depleted. And then you're depleting people, back to the ripple effect. You start this ripple of unkindness and you're depleting the people around you.
If you don't think negative people have an impact, Watch a flight get canceled on a Friday night in an airport and watch the two people unhinge and it affects the entire waiting area of the airport. But yet 90 percent of us, maybe even 99 percent of us are fine with it. But why do these 10 percent people win?
So I think I got to the point in my career, Teri, where maybe it comes with confidence. Maybe it comes with worth. But what I show up and do as a speaker, that's all I have. That's it. I love my clients so much and you know where I spoke. I'm blessed to be invited back. I [00:22:00] love people so much. I care about my clients so much.
Truly, from the minute they email, I have this intention of loving this. I show up early. I care for the banquet staff. I care for the AV people. I care about my audiences. I'm not some diva rolling in there. You know, I'm very proud of how I show up. I do the best job I can do to deliver a customized presentation, and then I go home and that's all I have.
I mean, my hair takes an hour. I wear Spanx. I show up. I care so much. It's all I have. So if you didn't like me, you didn't like me the minute I started, much less an hour and a half or three hours later. So, what can I do with that, Teri? Nothing. I'm done. That's all I have to give you. Well, you need constructive feedback.
Do you? Do you? Or are you just good enough? You know, when I look at these Rate Your Doctor, Rate Your Teacher websites, people are [00:23:00] caustic. Caustic. I watched a makeup tutorial the other day on how to put makeup on a 55 year old face because that's a whole new thing. People were caustic in the comments in a makeup tutorial.
Wow. Give me a break. So I think I'm at the place where I'm like, you know what? I'm good enough. 10 percent maybe aren't going to like me. It's not my ego. It's not that I'm so great. I make mistakes. I'm not the perfect speaker, but I try hard and that's the best I can do. So that's when I started to get away from, I don't like your lipstick color and your hair is big.
You're open. One pocket was out, the other one was in. Oh my God, please. If you're, if you're the human being that likes to make little comments about things without them wrapped in love and some kindness, stop doing that and spend so much time improving yourself that you don't need to worry about what everyone else is [00:24:00] doing.
Get yourself so full that you come to the world in a full loving place and those things will start to
drop off. Love that so much. That is amazing advice. Now, I have some questions from my Instagram community. Love it. So Lori asked, is there such a thing as being
too kind? Definitely. I say I am a very kind human.
I am. Like, I am looking every day to try to do something kind in the world, some little random acts, but I am not a doormat. And I have had a very, very real childhood, grew up in five different families, all kinds of challenge, very real marriage, all the things. But I'll tell you that absolutely I am not.
And I have spent years on the boundary work, years on the codependency work, um, like my friends say, if Darci's mad, everyone should be mad. And it's so true. But I, I use my voice. I absolutely use [00:25:00] my voice. I'm kind, but I am far from a doormat. And I have learned that maybe the hard way, but the right way, I'll do it with love.
But if you're rude to me. No, we're not doing this. I rented, I had a tuxedo business for almost 13 years, 100 customers a day in my busy season. We did a phenomenal job. And because you grew up believing that you can rule over and talk disrespectfully to my team and I, Oh, absolutely not. I was loved, but I would shut that down.
So yes, you can be too nice, and you absolutely will get walked on. So learn to build your armor, go out into the world kind, but understand there's always going to be somebody who challenges that, and I'm okay with that. Great.
Denise asked, when does kindness get in the way of leadership?
Hmm. I think when they start walking all over you, I see it.
I see it, Teri. So when it gets in the way of leadership, it's time for the [00:26:00] leader to go back, what I call on my island, I wish, metaphorically, go on your island and say, what am I, what am I, my mix of kindness and reality of running my business has to be equal. When they start walking all over me. Which they don't, I'm blessed that that doesn't happen, but when they start walking all over you, and they start taking advantage of you, I think that, I say to my friends, I feel like a sea urchin, and you flip your underbelly, and they start to, you start to expose too much of your softness.
I'm very loving and kind. I'm a phenomenal leader. But I wasn't everybody's best friend, no disrespect to those who believe in us. I wasn't really into big social activities with my, my team. I mean, I love them and I care about them so much, but I also created a little bit of barrier around making sure that I still was their leader.
So yes, I feel like, yeah, you can be, and I think that will start [00:27:00] to affect you.
Oh, great answer. And Lizzie asked. As a brand built on self care and connection, how can kindness and leadership translate into stronger relationships with customers? How can kindness
and leadership translate to kindbetter Relationships?
Yeah. Stronger relationships with customers.
Stronger. Back to what I think I was saying earlier about the grounded, intentional piece. That is, if I think about someone coming into my, if, if this, your audience member there is speaking on self care and such, well, I want to be able to see you out in the community as the raving example of it.
Yeah. And that's why social media gotta be, you know, just so sure that what you're doing is on point with what you preach. But I would love nothing more than somebody to come and just sit in my house and just be grounded and kind and intentional. I hope that answers that question well. Yeah,
I think [00:28:00] so.
Yeah. And just on a side note, Lizzie was at the two talks that I was also at and absolutely loves you. So she was excited to ask a question and to pass that along to you. Thank you, Lizzie. Now I have some rapid fire questions for you if you're, if you're up for it. All in. Perfect. Oh, what's your favorite book?
My favorite book. Hmm. I have so many. I have to go back, believe it or not, back, back, back 24 years ago, Life Loves You by Louise Paye. I was such a broken young woman and I popped my cassette tapes, that's how old I am, and I would pop my cassette tape of Life Loves You from Louise Hay and just listen to her in my dark drives and yeah, that would be my favorite.
Fantastic. What's your favorite food? Favorite food, I'm a vegetable person, I try to eat six veggies a day, I love any kind of vegetables. [00:29:00]
Biggest pet peeve? Rudeness. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not surprised.
Rude.
People who are rude just for the
sake of being rude.
What are three things you would take with you to a deserted island?
Oh, sunscreen,
something for my lips, and I would have to have a laptop. Can I? Yeah. Yeah, sure. I'd have to have something to write on cause I'm always writing books. So something to write on. Who's a celebrity you would like to have dinner with, dead or alive? I would love to have had dinner with Lise. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. That would be amazing. Yeah. And as I age, I want to, that's my hope is to become her, you know, as I continue on. Yeah. Just, yeah. I would have loved that.
And what's your go to karaoke song?
Well, I think that I sound like Adele, Hello, and I don't, but I, I would like to. Why not? [00:30:00] Yeah. Yeah. In the car, I sound exactly like her.
Of course.
Of course. Yeah. Great song. And then something new that I'm doing with you that I haven't done with anyone else yet, but what's a question that you would like me to pass along to the next guest? Who is the kindest person in your life? I love that. That is a great question. Any final thoughts you'd like to leave the audience with today?
I am really grateful. Teri, you know, I've met you twice now, and you're sitting at the back of the room, your grounded kindness that you brought to hear me speak. And as I said offline, and I'll say again, I am looking at every nuance of every person, and you're one of the few podcasters who puts the picture of who you're interviewing on there.
That tells me a lot about you, and a lot about where you're at in your kindness. You want to spotlight us. That, that's, that's huge. So thank you for
that. Thank you so much. I really [00:31:00] appreciate that. And thank you for coming on today. All of the links, all your links will be in the show notes, so make sure people can get in contact with you and to get your fantastic books.
I have two myself and they're wonderful. So thank you again. I really appreciate this. I appreciate you. Thank you so much, Teri.
Thank you so much for joining us today and listening to this episode. If you would like to receive a copy of Darci's book lead the 90%. Then here's what you can do. Darci was so gracious to offer 10 copies of her book to this audience. Just to, just to you, just to all of you. And if you would like to get one, you need to be one of the first 10 people to do one of the following and you don't have to do all three.
Just, just pick the one that works for you. So the first way to get a copy is to write a review of this show and mention this episode. In. Apple podcasts. So you write a review on apple podcasts, mentioned the show, [00:32:00] take a screenshot and send it to me. You have to take a screenshot and send it to me because otherwise I have no way of being in contact with you or knowing who it was that wrote it. So that's the first way. The second option is for you.
Spotify listeners. If you are listening on Spotify. Then write a comment on this episode, you can leave a comment. So Spotify users leave a comment on Spotify, again, take a screenshot and send it to me so that I can contact you. And send you a book. And the third way to get a book is to take a screenshot of you listening to this episode.
So the screenshot has to have this episode in the cover. And then either tag me in it on social media. Or send it to me, send me the screenshot. So that again, I can be in contact with you and I can send you a book. And the first 10 people to do, one of those things will get a book from Darci. Thank you so much for being here today.
And for listening to this [00:33:00] show, come back next week. We're going to be talking to Dylan Evans about cybersecurity. And my business owner, friends, you do not want to miss us. This is an important topic for all of us. Be aware of.
I think that's all I had to share. Oh. And of course, as always. Rate the show, review it, share it with a friend who you think would benefit. I think that isn't how it, okay. Thank you for being here. I'll be back with you next week. Bye. For now my friends.
